Depression and Low Self Esteem, No Confidence [Archive] - Spina Bifida Connection Support Forum

sheena

04-10-2009, 05:03 AM

I know how you feel. Sometimes I would feel extremely depressed without any reason as to why. Although most of the time it had to do with my ongoing medical issues. With all the bladder issues, and weakening of my lower extremities, my depression became worse. I use to surf religiously up until I was about 14, which was when my balance started to go. Watching my friends and family surfing while I looked on on the beach, made me think, “well, what else can’t I do? Its only going to get worse”. And for a while, it did (my depression that is). It wasn’t until those close to me took me aside and helped me see that looking for all the negatives wasn’t going to help me. What I can do, and you, is focus on the positives, whatever it may be. Throwing myself a pity part won’t help me, and will keep me from doing the things that I want to do. Sitting in my room all day contemplating which body part would fail me next was to draining. So after awhile, I decided that I can’t keep worrying about what will happen in the future because no one really knows. I made a decision to force myself to go out with my friends, even when I didn’t want to, and to my surprise I enjoyed it and heck of a lot better being miserable. Life is too short, so we should try to live it the best we can. I’m not saying its easy, but if you socialize more, or talk to someone you’ll be surprised at how much better you can feel. Even though those around you may not know what you’re going through, it doesn’t mean that they don’t care or can’t help. Find the good in yourself because there is more of it than the bad. So with that said, I wish you all the best, and hope that you find the strength to overcome whatever it is that troubles you.

Sheena51985

04-10-2009, 11:49 AM

thanks Summer and Sheena for your responses. I have a doctor appointment on Monday (April 13th) about my depression. I'll let you guys know how it goes. Thanks again. I appreciate it!

~Sheena

LisaJoy

04-10-2009, 04:28 PM

Well said, Sheena NY.

I find Wellbutrin XL works well for my depression and it doesn't have the weight gain side effect that mostt anti-depressants have. In fact, I used to take Zoloft, which worked fine, but I gained 30 lbs and could not get rid of it. When I switched, I lost the thirty pounds over the course of a year.

I battled with self-esteem as a teen and young adult and still do to a certain extent. It has gotten better the older I've gotten. It helped that I focused on my strengths (academics). It made me somewhat of a nerd and outcast in high school, but the further I went with my eduation, the more confidence I gained and the less I encountered negative attitudes from others.

One thing that will absolutely feed depression is not having goals and purpose. Sheena MI, I believe you've talked before about going back to school and pursuing a vocation. You should really do this -- it will help. Another thing that will help is taking up a hobby or volunteer work that is "other" focused. My mother, for example, makes baby quilts for family and friends -- she has become quite an artist with it, although she'd never admit it. Volunteering at an animal shelter, food bank, hospital or rehab center -- any of these would be good outlets. Just don't do volunteer work in an environment that makes you depressed.

Anything that occupies you so that you don't have time to brood will help lift you out of depression. But don't hesitate to medicate -- depression is partly environmental and partly physical. As my doctor said, if you had diabetes, you wouldn't hesitate to take insulin, so why would you hesitate to take medicine for depression? But I think depression should also be addressed environmentally by changing your habits and environment. (The problem is that when you are depressed, it is difficult to work up the energy and will to make the changes, so you may need to enlist some help--therapist or friend).

ollieholmes

04-10-2009, 05:59 PM

You make some very good points there Lisa. Busying yourself doing something you enjoy will and does help. Also having supportive and positive freinds and family around does. There is such a stigma these days surrounding depression it seems that people are scared to realise they have it. There are ways of dealing with and beating it. People can be happy again but it will take time and support. Over half the battle is realising you are depressed in the first place.

Sheena51985

04-10-2009, 07:53 PM

thanks so much again everyone..it means a lot that you guys took the time to read my post..

Lisa, you're right. I am in school right now for music. But, because of my self esteem/insecurity issues, I'm not sure if I'll get very far with it. I'm VERY shy about singing in front of people, even though everyone in my class says I'm talented. I guess that's where the depression fits in. I need to make myself believe what they're telling me. I'm also seriously thinking about volunteering for Make A Wish this summer. I would love nothing more than to know that I might have helped give a kid what might have been their dying wish. That's gotta be an amazing feeling! But I know there's some sort of class I would have to take before I could fully volunteer. But, I'm looking into it! That's another thing. Since I don't work, I do have way too much time on my hands, which only leads to me thinking about things too much and dwelling on them. Mostly negative things, of course.

Anyways, before I really start rambling here, thank you all again for the responses. Just knowing there are people out there who know what I'm going through helps a bit too. I'll let everyone know how my appointment goes on Monday morning.

~Sheena

ollieholmes

04-10-2009, 09:32 PM

You are not rambling at all. This is one of the nicest things about the website, alot of peope have shared experiances and dont mind talking about them.

As for your singing, it is natural to be nervous about singing in front of others. Maybe have a talk to your tutor about ways of coping with the nerves.

Gymp

04-11-2009, 01:31 AM

Hi Sheena51985,
Sorry to hear you're feeling blue.I think we all feel this way at one time or another in our lives so you're not alone.I have a tendency to get bummed out when winter sets in,those long cold nights really drag me down.There's a name for this it's Seasonal Affective Disorder or S.A.D. Perhaps you're suffering from the tail end of this? With the days getting longer and the temperatures getting warmer I know I'm starting to feel better and I'm hoping you will too,spring is in the air,it's all fresh and new...

Don't get too down on yourself,I know,it's easier said than done.If you get out there and start with the volunteering you want to do you'll hopefully soon forget about all of this.

As for your being shy singing in front of people,I think most people are like that at first.I could never get up in front of the class and do a speech without stammering over every second word and getting the whole class holding their sides with laughter,it was so bad I'd skip class and fail the public speaking because I couldn't do it period.
I've since heard that when you're up there and in front of an audience imagine that the audience is naked,try it ,it's worked for others. Have a read to see what I mean...

http://blog.duarte.com/2009/03/a-naked-audience/

Good Luck Sheena
Gymp

LisaJoy

04-11-2009, 02:08 AM

Sheena, have you looked into possibly being a music therapist?

http://www.musictherapy.org/career_ind.html

thanks so much again everyone..it means a lot that you guys took the time to read my post..

Lisa, you're right. I am in school right now for music. But, because of my self esteem/insecurity issues, I'm not sure if I'll get very far with it. I'm VERY shy about singing in front of people, even though everyone in my class says I'm talented. I guess that's where the depression fits in. I need to make myself believe what they're telling me. I'm also seriously thinking about volunteering for Make A Wish this summer. I would love nothing more than to know that I might have helped give a kid what might have been their dying wish. That's gotta be an amazing feeling! But I know there's some sort of class I would have to take before I could fully volunteer. But, I'm looking into it! That's another thing. Since I don't work, I do have way too much time on my hands, which only leads to me thinking about things too much and dwelling on them. Mostly negative things, of course.

Anyways, before I really start rambling here, thank you all again for the responses. Just knowing there are people out there who know what I'm going through helps a bit too. I'll let everyone know how my appointment goes on Monday morning.

~Sheena

angel

04-11-2009, 05:05 AM

[QUOTE=Gymp;6849]Hi Sheena51985,
Sorry to hear you're feeling blue.I think we all feel this way at one time or another in our lives so you're not alone.I have a tendency to get bummed out when winter sets in,those long cold nights really drag me down.There's a name for this it's Seasonal Affective Disorder or S.A.D. Perhaps you're suffering from the tail end of this? With the days getting longer and the temperatures getting warmer I know I'm starting to feel better and I'm hoping you will too,spring is in the air,it's all fresh and new...

I have the same issue. Winter time is horrible for me. It didn't happen until i moved up north. The first winter i suffered through it just thinking i was homesick. The second one my husband had me go to a doctor. I found out it is because of the season. It has a lot to do with lack of sunshine or so i am told. My doctor put me on prozac which i only take during the colder months and ween off of it when i don't need it once spring arrives.

This year i made the mistake of trying to tough it out again without anything. I got through till November and it went all downhill from there. By new years day i didn't care to get out of bed in the mornings. My first sign that i am more than just a little sad is i will sleep as much as possible. It is like my brain tries to just shut down. It also happens when i get nervous (odd i know). He put me on prozac because he said it was a mood booster. Well it will keep me awake more than i would be without it.

I told my doctor that i just don't see how people can live in such a gloomy climate for such long stretchs. I grew up in the south where eventhough it got cold it didn't get THIS COLD! The sun shines at least once a week also the birds really do fly south for the winter!!! I always knew that but it is really wierd when you are used to birds year round and you move to a place where there is no sign of them for months at a time.

Angel

angel

04-11-2009, 05:11 AM

I had a bout with depression several years ago (not weather related) mine was job related. When i worked at the animal shelter i had gotten to a point where i just couldn't take the sadness every day. I had been there for many years and had seen more horrible things than anyone should ever see. I was put on paxil for awhile but i hated it. One of the things that happened to me was my short term memory just went away. I couldn't remember anything for more than maybe 10 minutes. I didn't notice this until my co workers brought it to my attention and they said that this started when I started taking paxil.
The other thing i hated about it was it took all emotion away from me. Not happy, not sad, not excited, not afraid just numb. No matter what happened I was just numb.
I finally left the job and as much as i loved it, and missed being there everything turned around.

Angel

Summer25

04-11-2009, 04:13 PM

Sheena51985

04-13-2009, 02:23 AM

when I was on Zoloft right after my Dad died, it worked great..WHEN I REMEMBERED TO TAKE IT..I have a habit of forgetting to take meds..so im hoping I can get back on the Zoloft again..we'll find out tomorrow!

~Sheena

Sheena51985

04-13-2009, 06:17 PM

hey everyone..I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses and to let everyone know that my Dr decided to put me back on the Zoloft. Wish me luck that it helps!!

~Sheena

Gymp

04-14-2009, 12:04 AM

Good luck ~Sheena,I really hope your depression lifts soon.It's got to be awful to be depressed while at such a young age.

Gymp

eng188

04-14-2009, 01:29 PM

does anybody have issues like this?? if so, how do you deal or if you've overcome it, how did you do it?? It's really becoming a major problem for me the past 2-3 months and I dont know how to stop it

Yup. I have battled depression for 23 years, at least. Usually it has something to do with social isolation. Sometimes I've been just plain depressed about being depressed, which is really maddening.

I have never quite descended to an outright suicide attempt, but my 32nd birthday (2007) was spent entirely trying to plan out such a move. It started a whole week where I was in a fog where my self care and comprehension just went down to nil. This all occurred as a result of a simultaneous falling out with several people.

At some point, I got a grip, and through that, I came to realize my depression was cyclical. Gonna have a good time...followed inevitably by a bad time. However painful this bad phase is, I need to hang in there, because something will return me to the good side of this cycle again. Not sure if this holds true in other cases.

I've had limited luck on St. John';s wort, but I need to keep at it. Currently, I''m on nothing. I just try to learn.

Gymp

04-15-2009, 12:41 AM

Yeah...I've considered suicide once.I was in my teen years and I had crapped in my pants in public.I came home, cleaned myself up and went in my bedroom at my parents place.I was really down about the event,even shedding a tear about the ordeal.My Father walked in my room and asked what the hell I was whining about.I told him sobbingly,I just didn't get why I was born the way I was and it wasn't fair that I had to be like this and it ain't worth it.I went on to say life like this sucks and I may as well end it sometime soon if this kept up.I was really looking to my dad for some sympathy cause at that moment I felt I really would end it.My dad gave a long pause looked me in the eye and then said "do it,you know where the shotgun and shells are,do it" then he left my room and closed the door.Those words out of his mouth angered me sooo much I thought,no way am I giving you that satisfaction!
I never came out of my room that night and when I came out the next day my father and I looked at each other without saying a word,we never talked about that moment ever again and I never again thought of suicide.
I don't know what game he was playing at that evening,was he serious or was it some sick way of his to get me back on track,I'll never know.

Gymp

stub20

04-16-2009, 09:11 PM

I have also had this issue.

Mine started originally due to the infections that started when I was in my teens. I got down because I felt it was ruining my life, I couldn't do any sport, which was and still is a big part of my life. I got down and then started to hide it away from everyone else, hide myself from everyone, and now because of this, even though the infections have gone, little issues that I get, I've found I now struggle to talk to anyone, so i feel very isolated at times.

Sheena51985

04-17-2009, 01:25 AM

I do the same thing..I bottle stuff up till I cant take it anymore..it was the hardest thing for me to go to the doctor the other day and admit my problems to her..but it had to be done for me to get help in solving my depression

sean

04-20-2009, 07:32 AM

I think that's what depression is, supression of expression. take care.

sean

07-30-2009, 10:21 PM

That post was ages ago, has me thinking now.

Well the black cloud of depression is over me, that's a pretty good analogy. If I were to allow myself to wallow and cry, it can lighten the darkness. Can be good to do sometimes. Me, I'm all cried out, I'm just pissed off with it these days.

Important to know!!! Misery loves misery, depression loves depression.
When your talking to or helping someone with depression, take a deep breath stick your chest out and "don't catch it". Empathise but don't sympathise.
Over the years I've become painfully aware of my ability to bring people down, without realising it. Please don't ignore depression just maintain your resistance to it.
If you can!!!!

As a member of Spina Bifida Connection, I worry that the depressed me is too often too obvious. I thought I was on top of it totally.
I worry that even little me may give the impression that psychological problems are typically related to SB. I worry for those looking for examples and roles for thier kids.
I don't seem to be able to share my experience in the educational objective way I had hoped to be able to do.

Also important, I am fabulous!!! I love! life and 90% of the time (for years) my glass is more than half full. This bump in the road, well I think on some subconscious level I'm feeling ready to work on this (so things must be good).

I am banning myself from tech' for the month of Aug' (except 30min per wk for mail)
No computer, catch up in Sep' spring!
Check my Malabsorbtion state, I may be nutrient deficient, plays with my brain.
Accept the waiting appointment to start psychotherapy, giving it up.
I do need some help.
Get my hands dirty, work, my hands are girly soft.
Gets some face to face interaction, light conversation, fun.
An update of diagnosis would be good, there have been several changes in the last decade or so, TC, bladder bowel. Bugger MRI, Cyctoscopy, colonoscopy, If available.

I am so earthy and seasonal, aware the shortest day has past, the days are getting longer and sunnier. My garden is at the ready to burst forth, spring only weeks away.
I know I have no time for depression come spring and summer.
So I'll be back in spring. take care. love sean.

LisaJoy

07-31-2009, 03:08 AM

Sean -- You had me puzzled for a minute and then I remembered you're in the southern hemisphere! LOL - my bad.

Enjoy your mental health holiday from computers! We'll all be interested to hear if it helps. :)

Lisa

Alvy

07-31-2009, 03:26 PM

Is it possible to be depressed or feel depressed when you're not? I don't know if I'm making any sense here. But with the load of medical issues weighing on my mind, it's been hard to try to fight the mental battle actually. Somehow am able to, up to a certain extent and still go on with life/school. Thing is I'm really in school just for the sake of being there.

Funny thing is...I'm able to comfort my friends etc. despite having a heck load of problems of my own. Wonder how I do that..hmm

Gymp

07-31-2009, 03:29 PM

Well today's the 31st of July,so hopefully you'll still read this Sean....
The "Best of Luck" on your hiatus from the Spina Bifida Connection but do return come September!Your contributions here have added valuable insight on growing and living with SB.We are all different and experience Sb with our own eyes but when we all contribute here a bigger,clearer and better picture is formed broadening all our horisions.Good,bad,happy and sad it all needs to be said and you sir have enlightened us all with your lifes experience with Spina Bifida.

Now go and get them girly hands dirty and geez get some manly caloses on them ;-)
As the said at the end of one of my all time favorite TV shows as a kid "The Beverly Hillbillys"

Y'all come back now...Hear/here!

Gymp

taramcm31

08-13-2009, 10:52 AM

Ive been dealing with depression for I dont know how many years.Depression is a funny thing to me.Not haha funny but just funny in the sense that one minute I am fine and the next minute I find myself crying over nothing.Then suddenly I am angry and I dont even know why.It's not that I am not a happy person because if you asked anyone around me they will tell you I am always smiling and trying to make others smile.It's just that every so often...Usually when I am alone I lose it and cant figure out what brought it on.I have been on and off many different meds for this and been to countless therapist most of which have been no help at all.No one seems to be able to help me with this.Alot of my problem is because I feel like my entire life I have had to struggle through everything.I feel like I have had no help dealing with this from anyone.My mother tried but she has issues of her own that she hasnt dealt with and so it's hard for her to deal with mine.Alot of the reason I became depressed in the first place has nothing to do with my having spina bifida.Yes I have issues because of that but the depression is brought on by the ignorance of not only strangers but also my own family including my father who when he was alive couldnt handle the fact that I had spina bifida and treated me like crap because of that.Ive told this to many therapist and their solution is always the same "you just need to tell yourself that he is gone and get over it."Is it not their job to explain how I can get over these things and function like someone who is not depressed?And as far as the depression brought on by the spina bifida their solution is to put me on meds that just make me feel nothing.I would rather feel depressed and cry all the time then feel nothing.All this combined makes me feel like I am losing my mind most of the time and the worst part is that until now I have pretty much been holding all this in.Like right now as I am typing this I'm not even sure if any of this makes sense or if I just sound like an insane person ranting.
This is actually why when I came across this site I decided to join to find out if anyone else felt this way.

eng188

08-13-2009, 01:45 PM

Like right now as I am typing this I'm not even sure if any of this makes sense or if I just sound like an insane person ranting.
This is actually why when I came across this site I decided to join to find out if anyone else felt this way.

Well...it's a lot for a single paragraph. But it's important to convey how you are feeling. I've battled depression 20+ years, and despite intervention of all types, it's still there. I figure it's just a beast I can't exactly kill, but can learn to live alongside. And live well!

But I agree, one of the best things about a SB forum like this, is to see how others deal with your same issues (beit depression, mobility, advocacy, etc.). We can't make your decisions for you, but ou experiences can help eachother.

LisaJoy

08-13-2009, 07:10 PM

I suffer from mild depression and take a low dose of Wellbutrin XL for it. It has worked very well for me. I have experienced the inexplicable crying in the past, and I still get the anger bubbling over (never in front of other people, though -- usually when driving! :)). I also cope by keeping busy and making sure I'm not too isolated; my faith helps, too. I have done the counseling route in the past and found it not very helpful.

Everyone with depression is different -- there are no one-size-fits-all solutions. But I do think a combination of things works best for most people (as opposed to counseling alone, or meds alone)--meds, counseling, self-hope in the form of getting yourself out of yourself through job, volunteer work, exercise, support groups, etc. I've recommended a book by Martin Seligman called "Learned Optimism," which is about retraining the way we talk to ourselves. You might give it a look.j

And of course, just venting on a website like this can be therapeutic! You are welcome to unload here.

Gymp

08-14-2009, 03:12 PM

LisaJoy

08-14-2009, 04:08 PM

I meant self-help, but I guess self-hope works too!

eng188

08-14-2009, 08:52 PM

I've never been diagnosed with depression but being born with SB sure has gotten me down many times throughout my life especially the incontinence part of the SB.Having a few really,really good friends you can confide in has gotten me through some fairly rough patches.I find keeping really busy has helped me the most,if I've got something to do,either artwork,gardening,home repairs or even going for a walk or bike ride,it keeps the doom and gloom at bay.In essence the busier I am the less time I have to dwell on the down side of life.

Gymp

I have been lucky in my childhood as far as incontinence. But in my 30's I seem not to be quiiiiite getting it. A few days ago, I suffered gastroenteritis, and had my first accident in over a year. I know in reality it's not the end of the world, but it was frustrating, maddening, depressing. And I never figured out what went wrong. But it made me never want to go out in public again.

Today, I'm in better spirits, but I do find myself afraid to eat at times. It seems like every food can have a bad impact on a SB system. Even two measly slices of bacon got me cramped up a good part of the day.

I guess my point is, life just seems so full of potential...for everybody BUT us SBs. That's not quite true; it's a matter of trying to live alongside SB, and trying to change things around that don't work. Being FLEXIBLE with every aspect of life. And don't expect the world.

I used to not daydream about life as an able-body, but increasingly I do now. It's too bad. We have potential, but sometimes it's so hard to run our own lives to be able to use that potential.

sean

09-01-2009, 09:00 AM

Thanks Gymp and LisaJoy, it was really hard the first few days. I had to cut myself of from the stuff that was cluttering my brain, no computer, no news or news papers, no TV!!! An inner strength building exercise in itself, everything just a switch away.
I had to force change to make changes, no PC,TV and world news for a month is hardly torture, but I think enough to make space for the focus I needed to tweek a few things in my life in the right direction.
In this last month I've had a tooth extracted, didn't realise how bad I was feeling about it until it was gone, second extraction ever so I'm not doing too bad.
I've had a couple of Ultra sounds Kidney and bladder, fear!!! of more stones, feeling very kidney bladder sick. I have a moderate case of Hydronephrosis, wee has been backing up into my Kidneys, there's like these damaged voids in the middles of both kidneys. It has felt like they were about to burst. Not going the conventional treatment route yet or if neccessary, but working with my GP, anti biotics, feeling soooo much better physically. (I can be way too "man" when it comes to help)
And indeed it's time to give it up, give away my secret life, talk about stuff. I have found a great GP who introduced me to a psychologist who I spent a few hours with ( I must say I do not begrudge them the fortune they earn). Both so young, I feel them both trying to maintain thier professional composure when they are clearly baffled, maybe shocked by some of my stuff. They have decided that I should see another psychologist they both know and is intrested in my kind of stuff, hidden disability,social phobe stuff. I'm going with the flow.
I feel very privilaged to live in a society where this level of treatment is available to the likes of me. Only about 30% of the cost comes out of my pocket.
I have been out working in gardens every day. Physical activity, being outdoors, sunshine, my greatest tonic. I think it's the total distraction from my too introspective self, I think think think too much about me me me. I love gardening.
Gymp I've done some fencing, dug out tree stumps, built a very swish enclosure for my rabbit, all together got my man hands back, callouses cuts and bruises, AAARRRRGGG!!!! feels good. All together feeling better, taking control, stepping back a little, strengthened my spirit, rested my mind and kick started my body, it's all good.
Missed you guys, great to be back in the swing. sean

LisaJoy

09-01-2009, 08:24 PM

Great update, Sean! Makes me want to give no tech/low tech a try! In my line of work, it can't happen for a month, or even a week at a time, but maybe a day a week? Wonder what it would be like to take a weekly technology Sabbath?

Dodger67

09-01-2009, 09:45 PM

eng188

09-02-2009, 02:14 AM

I love my internet message boards (soccer, sp. bifida, atheism, politics), and go crazy w/o them. But cellphones took getting used to. I do not yet have my own.

But newspapers with my morning toast and juice will always be a necessary lo-tech indulgence. I feel sad for Seattle, losing its paper P-I.

sean

09-02-2009, 04:56 AM

Hey eng188, please allow a little woe is me. Since having bowel surgery ??15yrs ago, without medication to somewhat constipate me (firm dry stools the goal, you get my drift), I have constant diarrohea. I think like Crohns (?) disease folk, I met someone with Crohns and they took the same meds as me. To begin with I have a neurogenic bladder and bowel and the lack of sensation, talking anus here. So the word is "excacibated"
Like I'm cursed, I am rarely able to leave the house without crapping myself, maybe 1 in 10 I get home clean. I can't beat it, I just have to watch what and when I eat and drink.
I need to stay strong, be prepared as pos', be quick, not go far, watch my breathing, supress anxiety, not be with anyone, keep it hidden. Man o man is it any wonder I feel like a basket case (sometimes). Diarrohea/gastro my greatest fear.

sean

09-02-2009, 05:59 AM

Shout out to Taramcm 31, hope you check back sometime, I've been away.
I can definately relate, depression Yay!, also the rejection from your father.
My father refused to believe he could father a deformed child so much so he accused my mother of adultry, the beginning of the end of thier marriage. To the day he died he never recognised me as his son. The only time spent with him was by court order, and then he kept me and sister locked in a room.
My mother also rejected me, in that she blamed my existance on everything wrong in her and siblings lives. How could a child 'not' develop depression in an environment like that.
I don't ever expect to "get over it" as such. I am never going to forget, but I have found enormous relief and a matter of fact acceptance, it doesn't hurt anymore! by forgiving.
I remember hearing that often thinking what the "#%&*" how can I ever forgive that???
Not sure how I've done it (this is not suggestion or advice, just me).
I think there comes a time or an age or a place where your subconcious your memories are freed to surface to get sorted. I had enough, physically mentally emotionally, I had experienced a few painfully unsuccessful attempts at suicide. Realised I couldn't and wont go there again. A deep desire to live without the burdon, the pain somehow I think spiritually forced me to look and see differently.
As an adult (as the ages my folk were around the time) I was able to kind of separate the poor me rejected by parents "parents" and tried to see it from thier lives, thier situation at the time, thier background where they came from in terms of upbringing.
I separated the parent and found empathy with them as individual people, realising they too had histories of neglect and abuse, simply because of the times they came from.
They would have had hellish childhoods. I doubt very much that I would managed even as poorly as they did. They had all disfunctional stuff from thier pasts, I must have been like the last straw for them.
The biggest breakthrough of all, massive relief was realising and forgiving myself.
Now I know both parents as wonderful people and am proud to be of them.
They were ignorant to what they were doing, they were struggling with themselves, the majority of neglect and abuse was not malicious or intended, they were doing all they new to do. Men in particular of the day were programed not to express feelings and I guess the weakest link is the easiest target, they don't know what thier doing.
Know now and for the future not to allow anyone to treat you like crap and please try and find some forgivness, I promise it's freedom! keep us posted. sean.

sean

09-02-2009, 06:24 AM

I'm on a role, feel like agony aunt.

Alvy, Please don't be talking yourself into depression you do NOT!! want to go there.
Medical issues, take some specific time knowing your going to make the neccessary decisions (that only you know are right). Act on the decisions, accept the outcomes good or bad (it's a lesson). You need to be pro active with your health. Wallowing procrastinating, worrying just makes things worse.
If your in school just for the sake of it and your grades are even OK, you've got to stay, stick it out. It's the best time to prepare for the next better place you know your going to want to be.
Comforting your friends, it's probably because of your problems that you are able listen and comfort your friends. Although I think it's a gift of the SB experience to have a hightened sense of empathy, you must find someone or a way for you to unload, let go. Get your feelings out, you must fully nourish and care for yourself before you give too much of yourself away.
Singapore, been a couple of times, just a few day stop overs, it's a paradise. sean.

eng188

09-02-2009, 07:15 AM

Hey eng188, please allow a little woe is me.

:confused: I thought I was doing exactly that. Bowel and bladdder are the most difficult organs to deal with for many SBs, including me. I was just trying to acknowledge that.

Gymp

09-03-2009, 12:49 AM

I need tech almost as much as I need air!
I get antsy If I can't check my email at least 3 to 4 times a day, it is litterally the first thing I do when I wake up.
I have a high-end cellphone within reach 24/7 even when I'm asleep!
I also don't know what I'd do with myself without satellite tv - though I can be very happy with a good book for hours at a time.

Hmmm...Interesting,I'm trying to get away from all that.I've got 3 computers,a stupid cell phone and I just ditched my 250 channel satellite dish and receiver.With the satellite it was TV overload,heck I could only watch one station at a time and it was costing over 60 some odd dollars a month plus I only watch TV from around 8pm to midnight.I built me an antenna tuned it to 520MHZ so I can receive the new ATSC broadcast signal,got a new TV with the new tuner and am now enjoying a mere 25 TV stations but all in High Definition,best of all it's free of monthly charges.Oh yeah I download the odd movie to watch with the wife too.I do need a cell phone,my electric bike weighs ~ 100 pounds with batteries and if I've got groceries it weighs more,if I get a flat and out in the middle of nowhere I need that cell phone to call for someone to pick me and the bike up.Ever try to buy a cell phone without the bells and whistles,it's darned difficult.I did manage to get one but you can still access the internet with it which I don't do,it's got some games but I don't play them either.I buy 30 minutes of time (the least you can get) a month for it and it's turned off until I'm on the road.Telephone solicitors actually phone me on that thing ARH!!!

Put me outside and let me get my hands dirty in my veggie garden.Let me turn that sweet smelling compost heap with a pitch fork,give me a fishing rod and sit me by a lake or river to catch some trout or pickerel for supper.Give a hammer and some lumber,I'll build a shed.Doing stuff like this makes me happy.But no,it's usually one of the computers needs a new video card or our daughter has gotten it so full of spyware it needs a cleanout or the taps dripping and needs fixing,I just never get to do what I wanna do,ahhhhhh well,life goes on and on....

Gymp

sean

09-03-2009, 02:33 AM

Hey eng188, oops sorry about that, see what you mean. My intent was also to relate, but it came out thoughtlessly overbearing. Thanks. Bowel incontinence is the pitts!

marvic

09-03-2009, 08:53 AM

The best way to get over stress, depression and anxiety is to take a break from your regular schedule, go out, and take good sleep. This helps in clearing the mind and try consulting a specialist who can suggest you as how you can get over your problem. There are various prescription drugs to get over anxiety and depression, but these should only be used in accordance with the instruction of a physician and going on anti depressants should be the last option.

Rather than going on drugs, one should look for the reason behind there problem . Keeping your self busy and changing the schedule also helps sometimes to get over stress and depression.

eng188

09-03-2009, 07:35 PM

Hey eng188, oops sorry about that, see what you mean. My intent was also to relate, but it came out thoughtlessly overbearing. Thanks. Bowel incontinence is the pitts!

Darned interwebs! Nuances always get lst. :sign0020:

:sign0021:

sean

09-29-2009, 11:40 PM

LillyPie

09-30-2009, 02:16 AM

I am very over protective and my husband is worse than I am. I really try not to be but I am so afraid that someone will hurt Lilly. I think some of it comes from the fact that I just realized that I was one of those parents that WAS kind of in denial about her disabilty. My husband is the opposite.. he doesnt let her do stuff because he thinks she cant, and I'm like "NO, SHES FINE, LET HER" (I stay in the stage of denial for long periods of time when anything traumatic happens) I didnt let her go to pre-school until this year because I was afraid. I could have sent her 2 years ago.. I keep saying she wasnt ready but in reality I wasnt... I guess I was trying to protect her.. but also protecting myself because when she hurts I hurt... Since I was in denial I was maybe protecting myself from facing the facts as well... Its kinda weird to be in denial but also be very protective... its like jumping from one end to the other with out dealing with any of the stuff in between? I dunno? I have always taken good care of Lilly but I was always thinking in the back of my head that she was gonna do everything everyone said she wouldnt... I think I've been proven wrong now... and thats okay... There are just some things that she will do differently than other kids... I love her to peices either way...
So yea I think I protect her for her reasons but also sometimes protect her for my own as well, out of fear of losing her.

eng188

11-24-2009, 05:58 AM

Therapy session, I've had a bit of a break through some of you may relate to, particularly parents of SB.
I have been a parent, an OTT obsessive control freaking over protective parent to my neurogenic bladder and bowel/SB. I do think of them as conjoined terrible infant twins.
Point is I'm burnt out crazy from protecting, and it has become more about protecting others from me and my twins than protecting myself. Obsessive, just like an over protective parent and child, the analogy is fitting. Just my craziness.
Have you ever thought of yourself as a parent to your SB?
If your a parent of someone with SB, are you over protecting? who are you protecting?

In some sense, I've felt like a parent to my SB. And whenever I convey an issue related to my SB case, I get an earful of advice from my mother. I wish I knew how to trust her more. Mothers often do know best, but I'm disabled, so I always have to overthink people's advice, and see if it applies to me as a disabled person. :p

So, I just moved away from Pennsylvania in August. It is now November. I think in general, I have adapted to the change, but the (perhaps) inevitable happened just this morning. I had a bowel accident. Something that happens only maybe 1x/2x a year. This brought my spirits down to the bottom very suddenly. Last night, I was absolutely beaming because I got to go to the NCAA soccer tournament, 2nd round, rright at the University of San Diego, a few minutes away.

Everything was going great. My bowel and bladder were good and empty, the buses worked perfectly, the second dropping me feet from the pitch. The venue was great, and had a restroom nearby, and a great view and atmosphere, with about 2500 people.

I got back perfectly, albeit a little hungry, so I stopped for a couple tacos and a frozen yogurt. Wonderful dinner after a wonderful match and ride on a wonderful bus system. I was buzzing.

This morning, I woke up at 6:00am, checked my email, then ran like hell to the toilet. All of a sudden, I needed to go. Didn't quite make it.

So, asI cleaned up, I think in retrospect about how I didn't feel a need to go the previous night, but with some patience, I could have gone, likely.

So, yes, I relate to your feeling of mothering your SB. Today, I have felt like I never want to go out in public again. But I've had to tell myself that the problem is probably fairly simple to deal with. But that I'll need to suck it up and get on a med and schedule.

The bowel and bladder issues of SB really piss me off and mess with my self pride. If some god showed up and said I could get rid of one problem in my life, I'd tell Him I'll take my messed up legs and my crutches; you can have my digestive system. :p

Sorry to bump up an old thread, but I thought I could add something.

Gymp

11-24-2009, 03:12 PM

Yeah that sucks eng!On a positive note though the accident happened at home not at the soccer tournament,Pheww!

I have to agree that for me,yes,I'm a mother to my SB, especially so with the incontinence part of it.I remember in my working days getting up at 4:30am every day to make sure that my bowels were emptied before going to work at the print shop for 8:30am.A whole 3 hours were spent on the bowels while I only needed 1 hour to have a shower,shave,coffee and the ride to work.If there was an accident at work then I'd have to quickly make up some excuse and get the heck out of there before somebody noticed.Always,always,always paying attention to the continence side of things as if it were a wayward child sometimes it was good as gold and other times a real brat.Never knowing if it'd behave itself.

Gymp

LisaJoy

11-24-2009, 03:23 PM

Like the "little girl with the curl" -- when she was good, she was very, very good, but when she was bad, she was awful!

Dodger67

11-24-2009, 05:12 PM

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead;
And when she was good,
She was very, very good
But when she was bad she was horrid.

This poem is the work of American poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. He composed it one day when his daughter Edith refused to submit her hair to a curling iron. For many years afterward, Longfelllow, the author of such works as "Evangeline" and "Paul Revere's Ride", denied having written the verse.
When pressed by his friends, he owned up, albeit somewhat crossly; "When I recall my juvenile poems and prose sketches, I wish that they were forgotten entirely. They however cling to one's skirt with a terrible grasp."

http://www.indianchild.com/history_origins_nursery_ryhmes.htm

LisaJoy

11-24-2009, 09:08 PM

That's great, Roger! I had no idea Longfellow wrote that. What a random bit of knowledge!

sean

11-24-2009, 11:38 PM

eng188, I can totally relate to not wanting to go out in public.
I am needing and working on changing my bowel meds. The med I've been taking for years hasn't been working lately. I have this constant or chronic diarrea (bowel loss) without something to form stools, trying not to constipate myself. Trying to find balance and some regularity is a constant.
Just like a parent with no choice but to care for a child 24/7 for life.

Bowel mishaps, to me, seems to have a particular level/depth of terror and humiliation.
I just feel so dark and blurr! I just want to dissapear!
It has been happening all too often lately, SICK OF IT GGGRRRrrr!

Read an old journal of mine the other day. A time when I was comming out of a period of hermit like solitude. Read a page where I had read back and counted the "actual" bowel mishaps, accidents I had in public. It was 3 times in that year.
What I was trying to work out was, as I realised, was 3 times in a year worth the fear and solitude that had me in it's grip 24/7 365 days....................NO...............!

If or when it happens now, my mind still spins into self loathing talk "thats it never going out again, this is disgusting I'm disgusting" I think it's the greater me the parent who doesn't allow that talk much time anymore.
And I treat myself, pay myself for doing my best at dealing with it, a bit of balance.

There's an unrecognised emotional labour going on, it drains you, exhausts you.
I think parents must feel it at some stage at least, 'bugger this thankless annoying relentless nuisence I'm stuck with drainning the life out of me'. You've got to pay yourself, find some respite for your effort.

thanks sean

My bladder is a girl
she ain't no pearl
I wanna smash in her forehead
never good
totally misunderstood
And when she's bad...........I wanna rip her out and stomp on her!!!!!!!lol