ethical question.

[eng188]

Maybe this belongs in another forum, or nowhere at all.

My irritation in the other thread about the snickering samaritan got me thinking back to other situations that jerk my chain.

As I was walking in a supermarket in Pennsylvania, a middle-aged woman walked toward me with something concealed in her hand, reaching out to, I think, my pants pocket. She meanwhile said "God Bless You", which really doesn't offend me. I'm an atheist, but also an American. So I have the duty, however annoying at times, to respect others' religious expressions.

I just blurted out "No money, no pamphlets!" She responded well. Heck, in better cheer than I spoke. She just said "I'm sorry.", and walked away.

I can't, thankfully, remember the last time I was given money by a pious, pity-driven stranger, or how I handled it. It makes me sick, though.

Have any of you had that? To you just go ahead and take it and spend it as you wish? Do you take it then throw it away? donate? Do you do everything in your power to stop people from doing it to you?

I know I'm not the only one who has had such in your face expressions of pity toward me. At least, I hope that's the case. :sign0020:

[misty]

Never happened to me. But if they're dumb enough to give me pity money, I'm spending it as I wish! Their loss, not mine. Beers on me! Or them I guess!

[LisaJoy]

Never happened to me. But if they're dumb enough to give me pity money, I'm spending it as I wish! Their loss, not mine. Beers on me! Or them I guess!

Hahahah! That's great. I've never experienced this, but it does remind me of the first time I was ever offered a senior citizen discount (and I'm only 45 now!). It was the week after my 30th birthday! I just took it -- I figured if the store clerk was dumb enough to look at a barely 30-year-old woman and think I was 65, it was her problem.

I did once have a stranger at my church (not someone who attends regularly) come up to me and say they were praying for my healing. My response? "Thank you, but I'm not sick." If I hadn't been in church, I might not have had the grace to say the thank you part.

[smoop]

As a mother of a child with SB I am very sickened by other people's pity on my daughter. It is really, really hard for me to deal with. Of course, at the age of only 4 she's oblivious to it. And I hate when people ask what is wrong with her-- there's nothing "wrong" with her.

Right now she gets a whole lot of attention.. mostly positive. To be honest, we can hardly go anywhere without getting, "oh, she's so cute" remarks. I swear, it's giving her such a huge head. And I feel like people only say that because they feel sorry for her (although she is pretty darn cute).

[misty]

As a mother of a child with SB I am very sickened by other people's pity on my daughter. It is really, really hard for me to deal with. Of course, at the age of only 4 she's oblivious to it. And I hate when people ask what is wrong with her-- there's nothing "wrong" with her.

Right now she gets a whole lot of attention.. mostly positive. To be honest, we can hardly go anywhere without getting, "oh, she's so cute" remarks. I swear, it's giving her such a huge head. And I feel like people only say that because they feel sorry for her (although she is pretty darn cute).

She is cute! And I don't feel sorry for her. We're equals! She's just cute because she's cute.

[angel]

I have had this happen to me before to. Last time was a couple years ago when my son was in cub scouts. We went to an old age home where the kids were singing christmas carols for them. I could see them all looking at me with that "oh bless her heart" look and if experience has taught me anything someone was gonna try and give me a dollar. I told the other parents that i had to duck out because I could feel the intention and see them reaching in their pockets lol. They all thought it was funny and i joked about it to but it has happened to me to many times before. I always say thank you for the thought but i am fine and if i have to walk away and go about whatever I am doing.
In a parking lot i was walking to my vehicle and a random man came up to me and asked to pray for me. I, like you, respect other's religions but he wanted to lay hands on me and pray for me. I was polite and told him no i would rather him not he kept on and again i said no. I told him something along the lines of if you want to pray for me fine but I have to go. I drew the line weather or not I hurt his feelings. One it is just creepy to have some one want to lay their hands on you in a parking lot and pray. Two it is just a bad idea for any woman to allow that cause this world is full of crazies, and i was alone. I am sure he ment no harm but you can't be to careful.

Smoop as for your daughter she is a DOLL!! I think they are telling her she is cute because she is cute! I don't think people tell her that because they feel sorry for her at all. She is a beautiful child! I remember people saying that I placed in beauty pagents because they felt sorry for me. I thought that was rude. I wasn't a beautiful child but i wasn't a troll either. I think i was just as cute as the other little girls. I didn't win something every year but when I did I think the crutches had nothing to do with it.

Angel

[LisaJoy]

Angel, I've seen the pictures that you posted of you as a little girl. You WERE cute!

And smoop -- Analise is adorable, as is her brother. They must have good genes!

[Dodger67]

Smoop is drop-dead gorgeous! The very definition of a "Yummy Mummy".
Thus its obvious that Analise can't help being seriously cute and pretty - its the genetic imperative.

The genetic imperative forces us to instinctively be more sympathetic to attractive people.

[Dee1971]

Hi
Its ashame when people stare at people my sister gets it all the time because my youngest niece has serve learning difficulties and still in nappies as she has no control of her bowel and bladder. She will be 9 in May but mentally she is only 2 years and a size 11 or 12 year old and over weight.

amount of times people are shocked when they see me get up and walk a short distance they think that everyone that is in a chair cant walk. I have been told people that i am just lazy and cant be bothered to walk. My response normally is you can have my condition for a week and see how you feel with 24/7 pain. As someone said you only know how someone else feels if you walk in there shoes for a while.

I hate the doorstep preachers that come to the door and try and get you to join there church, the johah witnesses are the worst I would never join them because I believe in giving blood regularly as I have a rare blood group. I have just left the Mormon Church because i felt that i didnt fit in so after nearly 10 years I left.
dee

[Dodger67]

Please let us not discuss the pros and cons of different religious organisations and viewpoints here. Such discussions tend inevitably to cause resentment when they are percieved to be an attack on personal beliefs.

This site is explicitly neutral about religion.

[smoop]

Awww, thanks Dodger.

[LisaJoy]

Angel, I've seen the pictures that you posted of you as a little girl. You WERE cute!


Angel -- I just realized that, depending on how you read it, my post could be taken to mean "you were cute in the past, but no more." I didn't mean that at all! Sorry!

[sean]

Ahmen to that Roger,........but, I think these instances are more a christian morality question than an ethical question.

Damn! that's awfull.....people hawking thier charities where the're not needed, religious or otherwise. Perpetuators of poverty, predators, that's how I see them. Just me.

[angel]

No worries Lisa I had never given it a second thought and just thought about how nice of a complement :)

Angel

[angel]

I just felt that i needed to clarify mine a little. I think what bothered me most that a stranger felt they wanted to come that close as far as putting hands on me (i don't really care the reason) and I thought it was not only wierd, but dangerous. I am sure this person was harmless but a lot of people thought that Ted Bundy was harmless too and look what happened to them.
Mine was more of a safety thing than a religious one.

Angel

[eng188]

Yeah, I really hate touchy feely people. It makes me flinch. I guess I'm formal for some reason. I even hate it when I'm in a grocery line, and after a bunch of "ma'ams" and "sirs", I am greeted by the cashier as "sweety" or "buddy".

Old geezer in a semi-young body, I guess.

[NerdaliciouS]

I hate touchy people, it freaks me out! D=
Even people like, Jehovah Witnesses that come to the door... I have no problem with what you're apart of, what you do... But don't shove it in my face, and don't try to hug me. =|
Same with those weird people on the street or at random events (parents of younger children especially) saying you're doing something wrong... Like one time skating, I got told my skates weren't tied tight enough because one of my ankles was messed up ... Then they offered to tie them tighter... I could see if you were ASKING, but TELLING me that I'm doing something wrong... =|
Ahhhhh! INDEPENDENCE! NO TOUCHY! NO CHARITY! I'm fine! Honestly! Leave me alone! I don't talk to strangers!!! Ahhh! :3a:
lol

[mattywheels25]

Usually i never get anything like this except for this one time when i was about 22 and i was out with some mates for bday drinks and this old guy who i swear looked like santa cluae lol came up to me and gave me $150 and told me to use it to get laid. I didn't know whether to laugh or be offended to tell you the truth

[Gymp]

Usually i never get anything like this except for this one time when i was about 22 and i was out with some mates for bday drinks and this old guy who i swear looked like santa cluae lol came up to me and gave me $150 and told me to use it to get laid. I didn't know whether to laugh or be offended to tell you the truth

Hmmmm....Well...what did you do ? I'm intrigued :-)

By the by...Welcome to the forum Matt!

Gymp

[mattywheels25]

thanks :). I took money and spent it on drinks lol

[jennycaps]

I was lucky enough to be pretty popular in school. I got made fun of by the boys for my limp, and unfortunately I had a mother who wanted to hide my sb and club foot as opposed to actually get treatment for it. I pretty much taught myself how to wear clothes to hide it, and how to stand a certain way to not attract attention. How to wear shoes that are wide enough to walk in, without walking out of them. It wasn't until I turned 25 or so that I started to take my socks off at the beach.

My advice to all you mom's and dad's with kids with these issues is to help them be proud of who they are. I still get colleagues asking me if I'm okay because I am "limping" and the occassional "what's wrong with you". I sometimes even revert to the old stand up as straight as possible and force myself to walk right routine. I'm teaching myself how to say, "I have spina bifida and a club foot", instead of the lies I would spin like "I twisted my ankle walking up the stairs".

I'm feeling better now about myself, and then the issue of incontinence creeped into my life recently. It's like one thing after another. I think the life lessons I had to learn on my own of just feeling good about myself in general are helping me get through this next step in my sb. It's started to happen in public this past year. I bring a spare pair of jeans with me everywhere I go.

If people want to feel sorry for you, let them. Let them give you money or even pity. It's how you feel about yourself that matters.

[Jwm]

I seen this thread and had to post,

I was with my dad, we went into this antiques shop, there was this guy (id say anywhere from 17-24?) it was around christmas time last year, He hands me a 2.00 bill and asks my dad if I had a disability (Was wearing shorts so you could see My AFOs. ) My dad replies, Yes he does.. The guy says Me to. and walks out...Before I could hand him the money back and say thanks anyways but you can keep it. My bro needed 2.00 so I handed it to him when we got back ( he laughed and said " only you would carry a 2.00 bill in your pocket...LOL)

[leila]

This sounds like some of the adoption stuff my family deals with when out and about. Because we are an inter-racial family it is obvious that our daughter is adopted. Half of the people come up and say "what a wonderful thing you did", which implies that we adopted our daughter out of pity. Luckily our daughter does not have walking problems. I can't imagine what comments we would get then. Then there are the other people who give us ugly stares and whisper and point, or worse. I understand that we look different and I was expecting some stares, I know you can't help but look, but honestly I didn't know people would be so open to running up to us out of nowhere and express their opinion so openly. For a while I was kind of avoiding going out of the house, but now I'm much better at avoiding these people - duck and run!:p

[angel]

It has always amaized me that people act this way but they do! Myself i am used to it because this sort of thing has happened all my life as it is obvious that i am disabled. My son gets pissed off when people stare OR come up and say stupid things. It took my husband a little getting used to as well.

Angel

[sean]

It's difficult not to take a second look or stare at something unfamiliar.
I guess there's a stare and then there's a stare!. A stare of curiosity or a stare with attitude/judgement, but to approach someone...say something..bugger off!

Confession.
Never forget, forgive myself for being caught staring at a young man with about a third of his face covered with, don't know what it's called, deep red ?birth mark, skin disorder.
In a market, not once but twice he caught me, I felt so bad. I was caught in a gaze of curiosity, but he obviously felt it differently. I just want to say sorry and explain my ?biology fascination and ignorance. All a matter of seconds, decades ago, I privately hung my head in shame. Feel I may have added to his scares, still worry about him, is he OK.
Thankyou, I have well paid.

[mattywheels25]

I definately noticed as i gotten older that the weird somewhat sometimes rude people i encounter get on the nerves or my friends more then it does me. I usually just laugh it off but they flip out when they see something that is totally out of line.

[weelz]

i have found the best way to deal with someone staring is to simply say hi. clearly loudly and with eye contact saying hi. this usually draws them out of their drunken like stupor and back to reality. i found they would either stop and walk off in which case i don't give it a seconds more though or they would talk to me. i have made several of my close friends this way. granted the conversation may begin with discussion about my disability but thats nothing thats ever bothered me in the least. the only reason people stare is being uncomfortable or being curious both of which are due to a lack of information which i see no problem with correcting. i have the confidence and the security in who i am enough to explain the disability and the wheelchair without feeling embarrassed. these people usually ask something like "if you dont mind my asking" to which i usually reply, cutting them off there, "i dont mind answering any question you could possibly ask, its the question unanswered that turns into a rather uncomfortable stare i dont like." it only takes a minute to answer the questions before we are off on another topic completely and then i offer to buy them drinks or call them sometime if i like them and want to be friends or just leave them be all the better for meeting me and learning something that may allow them not to have to stare upon comming across the next person in a wheelchair for whatever reason. at least not assuming as much as they may have with me ever again about another.
so always just try a simple hi to stares or comments even if you just over here questions...oh and especially with children asking questions to parents. i love stopping and answering questions to kids like that in those situations because not only will it possibly change the adults perceptions of individuals in wheelchairs but the children will be more likely to learn to be more comfortable and accepting of differences as a result of our encounter. theres my two cents that took like three paragraphs....they must have been gold cents.:sign0020:

[Dodger67]

Now if only I could pick up the occasional nubile young lass that way....

[Kat]

My son is just 6 months old, so his differences are not yet noticeable to everyone else. I do think about this alot though. In fact, we are kind of planning our entire life around Devin right now. My husbands job is closing, and I am convinced we need to move to our "forever" home now so that Devin can grow up with friends who just know him as Devin. I feel that if we wait until he is using braces and such that at first, people will only see his differences. I want them to fall in love with Devin first, and notice the differences later. If we were going to stay in Louisiana, I know that the friends we already have love him for the baby he is and it would continue to be that way. They hold him and love on him just like they do every other baby. I guess I am just trying to shield him from all of the emotional pain that I can.

Also, I would like to say that by nature I am a nosy person. I stare at everyone, regardless. I'm a people watcher. If I see someone with a disability, I probably try more than other times not to stare. If I do stare, it's more of in aww. People with disabilities have to work so much harder to do things that I take for granted. Also, I may just be interested to see how you can do things differently than me. This was how I thought about things before we had Devin, now I may just be looking to see how I can help Devin do things on his own. I have a 3 year old, and I have always been open to him asking questions about people. I have never told him not to ask questions, how else will he learn? So if he asks why a person is in a wheelchair, I simply say that that person's legs may not work as well as his or be as strong as his and that person needs the chair to help them get around. If there is a better way to explain this to him, please tell me. I don't want to be expaining this to him in a way that is offensive to the person in the chair. I have always had the mindset that if I act like it is no big deal, he will learn that it is no big deal and hopefully he will grow up to see the person, not the chair. Again, these were my ideas before Devin. I think having a baby brother that uses equipment is going to teach him all about seeing the person.

[eng188]

I think that's probably a pretty good way of explaining it. I'm bad with little kids, and can't simplify things too well. I sometimes say it's a back problem (which in some sense it is, since the spinal nerve control most of our body).

[petiteblond]

I guess it's even more crucial to dress nicely if you are disabled. That way, you won't be mistaken for a have-not.