Feelings about Spina Bifida

[lsanchez]

I'm reading a book about a girl with a disability that has brittle bones. Anyways through out the book they refer to spina bifida as another disability were people are "severely disabled". This same thing happened to me when I was pregnant and watching a show and they mentioned how parents with Spina Bifida at least know what their is to come. I don't care that my son has SB I love him but when I start thinking about it I'm bothered that I don't know what his future is going to be like. Is he going to walk?Get married?Move out? He is only 15 months old so most people don't know he has SB. Everyone I try to tell thinks its no big deal since he looks fine and crawls. Nobody really understand SB but my mom, everyone just says oh he will walk eventually, nobody understands that there is a chance he probably will need some assistance when walking. I guess what Im trying to get at is why people dont understand SB.
I really dont know what Im getting at here...just rumbling on.

[angel]

Of course you are bothered. Nothing is more terrifying than the unknown. When left to imagine your imagination tends to come up with some things that are just horrible. At least that is what my imagination does to me anyway.
If your child needs assistance walking then that is really not so bad. Again i am speaking as someone who has lived with SB and has never taken a step without my crutches. It never stopped me from doing what i needed or wanted to. I see the crutches as a tool that i am lucky enough to have because my body just won't do what i tell it to. Many see their equpiment as freedom, not a burden.
I can see how parents have a hard time understanding this. If you haven't lived it from birth like your child you have nothing to compair it to. You would feel like something big had been taken away from you if you were suddenly in thier shoes. I can only speak for myself but i think others would agree that it is hard to feel a sense of loss for something you never had. It seems impossible to miss something you never experienced. I fell lucky that I have learned to live this way from birth and not through an accident or illness later in life. I thank god for that mercy because I was spared having to travel down what i think would be a much harder road!
As for moving out, getting married etc...... why not? So many of us have done these things and weather you sit in a chiar, walk with crutches, or walk on your own two feet in the grand scheme of things that is neither here nor there. Raise that child as you would if he didn't have the diagnosis of SB. Expect him to thrive, achieve, learn, and grow. Expect him to learn how to care for himself and teach him all the things you would teach a child and at the same stage in life you would teach a child to do for himself. You may have to figure out a different way but if you raise him up to be independent he will be. The parents are the BIGGEST factor in that.

Angel

[LisaJoy]

Angel is right -- if you have high expectations for your son and raise him to become independent and self-supporting, he likely will become so. If you baby him (i.e., when he's NOT a baby!--I know he still is now) and are overprotective and do too much for him, you will be creating dependency that will be very difficult for him to overcome. Raise him to believe that he will get an education (at whatever level -- trade school, college, whatever), get a job (DON'T raise him to assume he'll always be on disability), and have fulfilling relationships -- and he will.

[kali]

I agree, I had similar feelings when my son was young. all you can do is help your child grow up strong. dont let sb hold him down....I believe my son can do anything, why not? when I look at my son I see no difference between him and other children. He sees those feelings reflected in my treatment, which helps him believe he can do anything. MY child is only 10 years old now and wants to be a doctors someday and get married etc....I believe he will do it....

[Mustang Sal]

I completely agree with Lisa. I don't know what level your son's SB is at, or the severity of it (as you may know, SB can affect people very differently) but given the opportunity to grow up as 'normally' as possible i'm sure he'll be fine. Yes he will face challenges that most other children won't, physically and maybe emotionally, but if he's encouraged to be as independant as possible he'll be able to live a fulfilled life.
It must be scary not knowing what the future may hold for him - when I was a baby my parents were told by doctors that I may walk, I may not, and that they didn't really know how things would pan out for me. My mum told me that she didn't for one second entertain the idea that I wouldn't be ok - she knew i'd be fine, whether I walked or not. I did walk, albeit late, but the point is she had this steely resolve that things would be ok, and they were. I was also never treated differently to my sisters, and I certainly wasn't spoiled because I had a disability (you do see that sometimes and it's such a shame). As a result I grew up just fine, and don't see my disability as something that defines me.

Sorry for rambling on a bit there! I wish you all the best in raising your boy - we're here for you on here if you need to vent your worries or just chat about stuff that's going on.

[Dodger67]

Amen to all the replies. If you have never ridden a horse in your life it is simply insane to say you miss the feeling of galloping over the countryside. Its the same with disability from birth - you can't miss what you don't know. You can only wonder what it would be like but you can never know.

[lsanchez]

I know I'm not soppouse to treat him differently than others and I dont. he will grow up with this and accept it, but until he is old enough to accept this I feel like I cant. I think I have to see that he will be fine when he gets older. I always feel good when I go to the SB clinic in chicago because all the kids there look so happy.
Thanks everyone

[Dodger67]

...he will grow up with this and accept it, but until he is old enough to accept this I feel like I cant. I think I have to see that he will be fine when he gets older.
You might wait forever - there never was such a "now I am ok" moment for me. You seem to be still thinking in terms of someone who has to deal with and accept a loss. There is nothing to accept as such, it just is.

[angel]

I never had one of those moements either. I don't remember ever not being ok with it. It is what it is, no one else seemed to think much of it so neither did I. I never got the memo from my parents, my siblings and friends that I was any different than they were. When I eventually encountered people like that it hurt I won't minimize that but I had more people that were good to me than people that were not.
To me it comes down to this: Just like every other human being that has ever lived on this earth I am trying to do the best i can with what I was given. I dont' know of anyone else, circumstances aside, that isn't doing that exact same thing. Our situations are all different but we are playing the hand we were delt. The world has not been completly fair to anyone. There are things that we must face no matter who we are or what shape we are in. It is just part of the human condition. Spina Bifida happens to be one of the things I have to face. I think I am doing pretty damn good with it, I have had plenty of time to master it lol. I can tell you one thing I have learned is i didn't get it so bad there are many people (that don't have a disability) that i wouldn't trade places with for all the money in the world!!!!!

Just my thoughts,
Angel

[sean]

Ditto to the previous posts,
I've never thought of my SB as anything but normal, to me.
I think this is why sympathy can be so insulting.
Hey I don't have kids, but I'm thinking,
I'd be thinking, "Always expect the best!"..............and be a little prepared for the worst, options.
You can imagine and plan your sons life as much as you like, don't hold your breath, you'll be lucky if it turns out even similar to as planned. You've got a long way to go.
Not a lot of point dwelling on the future, better to enjoy the now.
Your sons future is starting now. The love, security even independence (in baby/toddler ways) you give your son now will be his foundation in adulthood.
Remember his SB will be normal to him, until the wider community suggest he isn't.
So it could be handy for him to have a clear open understanding of his diagnosis and the words and willingness to teach (always seem to be explaining SB to medical professionals and in general) He may have no need to explain anything, he may only need a little understanding from nearest and dearest.
As soon as possible leave any SB related management up to him (his normal)
I can only guess, but it must be difficult for mothers constantly letting go of stages of growth with your babes, I don't know bitter sweet?. You just get used to a bundle of joy and you have to start letting go. You can't stop them growing.
SB will probably only be a small part of a big life.

I know,unqualified opinions but there you go. I wish you well.
15 mths old, the beginning of the end of cute dependent to little person demanding.
I say the longer you can hold of with the walking and talking the better. LOL!

[Justy Me]

Ditto to the previous posts,
I've never thought of my SB as anything but normal, to me.
I think this is why sympathy can be so insulting.


GOD, I completely agree with that! Most people who show "sympathy" both

A: have no idea what we deal with on a daily basis so feeling sorry for us is in vain, and

B: they are essentially doing it to make THEMSELVES feel better. The disgust and discomfort on my face upon such comments would/should tell that person that it did NOT make me feel better.


to lsanchez....I am turning 30 yrs old next week and my parents still insist on talking to me like I am 12 a lot of the time. I promise you that if you continue raising your son with the mindset that you will not "accept it" until he "proves" he has, you will have an adult son who will in one way or another resent you. He shouldn't have to prove anything as far as that's concerned. Encourage him as you would if he weren't living with SB. He will need it and love you more for it.

[LisaJoy]

LSanchez -- while your son has not "lost" anything, YOU have, and it is okay to grieve for that loss: the loss of all your dreams about the kind of future your child will have. He will have a GREAT future, and I'm confident that you will help him to grow into the person he needs to be. But it is probably not the future you imagined for him. This might be a good time to go back and re-read the "Holland" piece [someone posted it on here a while back; I'll try to find it and post link].

[LisaJoy]

WELCOME TO HOLLAND


by


Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved





I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

[Godknowsbest]

I understand completely what you mean when you say that most people don't really know anything about/understand sb. I'm due in 6 weeks with my fifth child, who was diagnosed with sb. I find that most people know nothing about it (which I'm not faulting them- because until my baby was diagnosed, I knew hardly anything about it either!), but the thing is, people have no clue what to say, and I feel like they are struggling to say something, anything, and they end up saying some really dumb things sometimes. The other day, a lady called me from our local WIC office to check and see how my pregnancy was going. I told her that it was going pretty well, but we did find out the baby had sb. She said, "oh, well, that's great to hear that the baby is healthy, etc." The lady didn't have the first clue about sb, obviously! Does anyone understand how I feel? I guess it's not fair to expect everyone to understand and know all about it, but I hate it when people act like they know all about it when they don't have a clue...

[NDanforth]

I absolutely understand the frustration. I am blessed to have 2 friends with sb so while I was upset about the diagnosis of Mackenzie I also knew full well that people with sb were people too.

I expected to have the average joe not understand or know anything about sb but what has blown me away is having to explain it to healthcare proffesionals, NICU, PICU nurses and such. Also many of the nurses in triage when my wife was having some preterm labor issues. It has amazed me that we have had NICU nurses that had to be told (by us) not to touch her lesion repair, or don't let the diaper cover it, or NO YOU CAN'T LIE HER ON HER BACK. Or the great one...Oh, I'm sorry your daughter had surgery, but she's okay now right.

Yeah...definitely frustrating.

[sean]

I agree, good analogy.
Bugger! my bladder and bowel receptors weren't plugged in so now I have to 'manually' crank up my bladder and bowel to keep them going, "no remote!" for the rest of my life! LOL! Mummy!!!!!,I want one with a remote!!!lol
Wanting is good but rarely what you need or get, I think most of us get what we need.
Dreams and expectations are felt as loss as they fade, to the point of grief, but as with grief those dreams and expectations, with time, hopefully don't become regret but fond memories of what was and some if only's. (this is what a lot of elderly do, reminice/talk about the could have should have been if only's, cleaning out old cupboards, so to speak)
The further away from them, your fading expectations, the more you see why things may have not happened as you hoped or imagined, and why things happened as they did.
It is as simple as doing the best you can with what you've got when you've got it, I guess.

[bcain]

I absolutely understand the frustration. I am blessed to have 2 friends with sb so while I was upset about the diagnosis of Mackenzie I also knew full well that people with sb were people too.

I expected to have the average joe not understand or know anything about sb but what has blown me away is having to explain it to healthcare proffesionals, NICU, PICU nurses and such. Also many of the nurses in triage when my wife was having some preterm labor issues. It has amazed me that we have had NICU nurses that had to be told (by us) not to touch her lesion repair, or don't let the diaper cover it, or NO YOU CAN'T LIE HER ON HER BACK. Or the great one...Oh, I'm sorry your daughter had surgery, but she's okay now right.

Yeah...definitely frustrating.

Wow, I would be scared and frustrated about that. We were so blessed as our NICU nurses were awsome. Our most frequent and regular NICU nurse-taught us everything we needed to know, encouraged us to hold her, and sent us home with everything in supplies we would need to care for her.

[angel]

I think the most frustrating thing I found with my son was when he started school. I have SB so I am used to this stuff and I can take more crap aimed tword myself than I can my child.
When he was in Kindergarden I went to the school and explained his diagnosis (which at the time had not been called SBO but hemivertibra and sacral agenesis we found out later it was the same thing) I told the nurse, and RN the names of his diagnosis assuming that she knew her medical terminology. She had NO CLUE what the hell i was talking about. So i put it out for her in plain english and she still looked confused.
At the time I worked at an animal shelter and was pissed off after i got to work from the school that morning. I was complaining to the staff veternarian about what had occured that morning. He asked me the diagnosis and i told him Hemivertibra and sacral agenesis. He knew EXACTLY what they were. Hemi means half and vertibra means vertibra. Sacral means sacral region and agenesis means not there or never formed. He is a VETERNARIAN! he said medical terminology is medical terminology in the animals and people are almost exaclty the same! I couldn't believe it. It was just wierd! Seemed like my dogs were in better hands than my child at school.

Angel

[lsanchez]

I have to explain to people all the time what SB is including my family, and I get the same thing the oh hes ok now...People think its something you get rif of or get fixed.
About the wic office, I had the same thing happen to me. They asked me if he had any surgeries, health problems, etc when he was born so I told him he had Spina Bifida the lady looked at me and I had to explain the shunt, back closure and club feet. The only one that knew what SB was a student they had there!

On a different note, I guess I sounded a little pessimistic about SB. My son is doing really good ( alot better than what the OB doctors told me) I know he will do everything he will want to ever do and the last thing I want is for me to be the one holding him back. But everyone wants their child to be healthy and not have to worry about if is just a headache or something else.

[valerie]

Good for angel and you all, ye all sound like such strong people and its a privilage to hear ye say all those things. as a mother of a 17month old boy, i too think way too far ahead (too much sometimes) and it leads me to scarey places but i am trying to learn to take it one day at a time cause looking at cian is an inspiration in itself. He is L1 and no movement from the waist down but to look at him camando crawling around the so fast, it melts my hear i am so proud of him and of us as we have all come so far since he was born and to hear your stories also keeps me going. thank you

[valmarie]

i think there are so many different "levels" or types of spina bifida that it's easy for the common person to get confused about it. oftentimes they hear of a co worker or friend of a friend who has spina bifida but is totally functioning. it seems more rare to come into contact with someone with a more disabling type of spina bifida that leaves them wheelchair bound or using some form of assistance device. plus, it IS harder with a baby. they do look just like other babies! having a child with spina bifida is a chance to educate others around you about what it is....but while the possibility is very real about the future and what he might need...the same possibility is very real that he might end up NOT needing any assistance at all! so instead of focusing on the limitations he might have, try to focus on the here and now. it's easy to get overwhelmed and frustrated if you think too far ahead. take each step as they come and deal with it then and educate others as need be. my baby currently has no movement at all below his waist...and it's obvious when you see him move around....i simple explain what spina bifida is and that right now he has no movement or sensation below the waist. of course people ask if he ever will and i respond with "i really don't know....doctors say probably not but anything is possible!" and i leave it at that. i'd rather be hopeful than dwell on anything else.

[angel]

I think since i am on the "other side" of the walking issue it may be hard for me to see where able "bodied people" get their ideas. I see my crutches as freedom, my wheelchair too. I mean without them I would be trapped, so to speak, because my body won't do everything yours does. Those are the tools I use (and they are quite easy to use) that take all that away. I don't see it as a bad thing or burden. I don't see why it is something to be upset about if your child actually had to use it. Just be thankful they are here for your child to use and that since they will be learning from an early age it will come as natural to them as everything else they learn.

Angel

[LillyPie]

I always have to explain to people about SB. Its seems that people either over react or under react... I wonder why? The under reactors are usually heathcare professionals.. Once for one of Lillys yearly check-ups the medical assistant wanted her to stand up so they could weigh her and I told her that she couldnt stand alone, she got bugged and weighed her on the baby scale, then asked why she was 2 years old and still in a diaper. I was so angry! I told her about the SB but I could tell she had to idea what I was saying. If they are going to be dealing with a patient I think they should know what the heck is going on before jumping to conclusions.

[angel]

There was an X-ray tech at the SB clinic I used to go to. This woman was horrible. She should know about SB some because she had been there for years. She would always be real mean to me and demand I stand straight. My mom and I both would tell her that it was impossible for me to stand straight. She would get real nasty about it and say "WELL THAT IS WHAT THE DR. ORDERED." I finally told her that no one short of Jesus himself was going to make that happen so take the damn picture. I went through years of her crap before I finally said something but it was just stupid for her to act like that. She knew better.

Angel

[dahliafaolan]

You'd be surprised how ignorant the medical community at large is about Spina Bifida. When I was about 18, I got Medicaid and my dad lost his job so we no longer were on his insurance. That meant that I could no longer see the wonderful family doctor that had taken care of me from the time my pediatrician passed away, but instead had to go to a doctor I had never even heard of before. So when I got to the new doctor's office, the nurse sat with me and went over the new patient intake stuff. I had to spell Spina Bifida to her! I was a little surprised, but just chalked it up to maybe her being new out of school. Well when the doctor finally came in and saw my diagnosis on the paper, he started to speak to me as if I were mentally handicapped as well! Needless to say, that doctor got put into his place when my mother told him that I was the valedictorian of my school and I started going over his head with the medical terminology surrounding my case. The idiot even tried to convince me he knew more about my birth defect than I did when he didn't even know what lipomyelomeningocele was! I'm happy to say I haven't been back since. Though I'd really love to know where Medicaid finds their doctors...Out of the three I've tried, I've had one that thought I was mentally handicapped, one that didn't speak clear English, and one that nearly had me arrested! Hopefully tomorrow's attempt will be better.

[Lifeisgood]

Though I'd really love to know where Medicaid finds their doctors...Out of the three I've tried, I've had one that thought I was mentally handicapped, one that didn't speak clear English, and one that nearly had me arrested! Hopefully tomorrow's attempt will be better.

It sounds like there is a story behind the doctor who nearly had you arrested!

[Gymp]

... and one that nearly had me arrested!

I can only imagine? LOL

...I'd really love to know where Medicaid finds their doctors...

When receiving medicaid are you assigned doctors or are you allowed to choose from a gov. provided list of doctors or ?

Gymp

[LisaJoy]

Dahli, a doctor doesn't have to accept Medicaid in general to accept an individual patient with Medicaid. Did you check to see if your family doctor would consider keeping you as a patient?

I know this because my sister adopted through the foster care system. Before the adoption was finalized, the baby had to be on Medicaid. Their family doctor does not take medicaid in general, but agreed to take Sophie on because the rest of the family were patients. It meant extra paperwork and less compensation for him, so it was a really nice thing he did.

[LisaJoy]

Gymp, it is up to the doctors to decide whether they will accept Medicaid or not (same with Medicare and with any private health insurance). They have to agree to Medicaid terms, just like they agree to the terms of private insurers they contract with. In some areas, it is very difficult to find doctors who take Medicaid.

[Mustang Sal]

Sorry for the dumb question guys, but what is Medicaid? I'm just curious :)

[Summer25]

Sorry for the dumb question guys, but what is Medicaid? I'm just curious :)

Medicaid is a state run insurance for low income and disabled people in the US.

[LillyPie]

Lilly is on Medicaid because I recieve SSI for her. The Dr I have for her is the one that I chose when I had her and she has been awesome. I have transferred my other kids to her also. She is very thourough and has a lot of knowledge abou SB. I lucked out to get her because she rarely takes new patients, I think she agreed to take Lilly because she has other SB patients as well. She is AWESOME!!:clap2:

[dahliafaolan]

I can only imagine? LOL



When receiving medicaid are you assigned doctors or are you allowed to choose from a gov. provided list of doctors or ?

Gymp
I posted a thread about the situation in question here: http://www.spinabifidaconnection.com/showthread.php?t=584
I am currently in litigation with the doctor in question. The annoying part is that there are very few doctors in my area that take Medicaid.

In general with Medicaid, you are allowed to choose any doctor that takes Medicaid, but you have to have a primary care physician which they call your CommunityCARE doctor. If you need to see a specialist, your CommunityCARE doctor is supposed to give you the referral. But for most people with severe medical problems, they can get exempted from the whole CommunityCARE system and go to their specialists as needed. Now the main SNAFU comes in if you don't choose a primary physician or get exempted within a certain amount of time of receiving Medicaid. Then they'll assign you a doctor. That's what happened to me. Medicaid's computers had a glitch that made all exempted people look like they weren't exempt so they sent out letters assigning us doctors. The rest of the situation you can read up in the thread I posted.

Lisa, I did ask my family doctor. He's the junior partner of the clinic (He took the place of my original doctor when he passed away) so he has no say really in the billing department. The rest of the doctors decided when they created the clinic that they didn't take Medicaid without there being a private insurance to back it up. Apparently Medicaid likes to screw doctors out of payment a lot. But I'm really happy with the doctor I tried today. That office takes care of all the patients in the local institutions and group homes so I should be in good hands. Not only that, but I walked out with referrals to three specialists that receive Medicaid in the area that should be able to handle my case. Woohoo! And I've been needing to see these specialists for almost two years now. Damn me for being spoiled to Children's Hospital...

[LisaJoy]

That is awesome -- I'm so glad you finally found someone good, who has experience with people who have disabilities.

[lovemydaughter]

Isanchez, ramble on as much as you need to. I am listening. You need to get those feelings out SOMEWHERE or your son will sense your fears. I, too, wonder about my daughter's future: Will she find a good job? Will she find a kind/caring/sensitive mate? Etc., etc. But I try not to "go there" for too long or I get overwhelmed. Besides, as someone else said here, if I am too focused on the future, I am missing the NOW.

My daughter, Mary Kate, is 10 years old. We were told by her first orthopedist that she would probably never be a "community walker"; just a "therapeutic walker" (taking few steps with lots of bracing). We went to Cleveland Clinic for a second opinion and found the most wonderful, optimistic, caring orthopedist there. The difference was like night and day! The first doctor was not even going to fix our daughter's club feet, expecting that she would be in a wheelchair and it "wouldn't matter." The second (wonderful) doctor said that the FIRST thing we needed to do was to fix her club feet so that we could get her upright in order for her bones to grow properly and to help her learn to walk. After much time spent in physical therapy and with us encouraging her all the way, she now walks with the aid of AFO (Ankle Foot Orthotic) braces and uses a walker for long distances. I'll never forget the first day she stood up while holding onto her indoor playhouse! Way back then, I was honestly never sure if she would ever be able to stand (let alone walk), so to see that happen was like a miracle to me and filled me with hope. I knew at that moment that anything was possible for her!

My advice to you is to take ONE DAY AT A TIME and cherish the moments you are spending with your son NOW. Enjoy every little milestone, just as you would with a typical child. Encourage him and even push him at times, while working to accept those things that are truly limitations for him due to spina bifida.

I also want to share with you that I have worked with a caring professional therapist regarding this and other issues in my life. It has helped me to have SOMEONE to talk to about my fears, so that I don't hold them inside and possibly transfer those fears to my daughter. I am not saying that I have no fears at all. That would simply be a lie. But I am much better equipped to deal with my fears because of my therapy. I also encourage you to keep a journal and write out all of your thoughts and fears and whatever else you feel when you are overwhelmed. That has helped me as well.

I could go on and on, but I just wanted to share some of my experiences with you in the hopes that you may take something from them. I wish you the best of luck and many blessings with your little one!

Oh, and one more thing: If your son does end up not walking on his own or in a wheelchair, you will love him just the same. He is your precious gift from God. God knows (even if YOU sometimes don't) that you CAN handle being his mother! My daughter has been a blessing to me in more ways than I had ever imagined. She has taught ME more about life and courage and strength than I could possibly teach her! And I have come to realize that she is also blessed to have me as her mother. I love her to death and wouldn't trade her for the world!!! :)