:mad:Maybe it is just me but I was offended by this

[angel]

:mad:

Ok let me first say I am NOT easily offended by anything but today a facebook friend posted this on her wall.

My 14 yr old is called out of class by an unknown woman who says, "I heard your mom has a disability. I was wondering if you need someone to talk to about it"? Emily says "No-she's been disabled my WHOLE life. I'm fine with i...t." Was it just a tad presumptuous of this woman to assume the child of a disabled person is in "need" of therapy? Are they gonna pull out all the kids of divorced parents too?

What offends me should be obvious but just to make things clear HOW DARE someone take her child out of class assuming she has issues because her mom is disabled!! Also from the comments I don't think they even asked her mom's permission before they approached her child!

To me this is wrong on SO MANY levels. First of all just because we have a disability (and i use the word carefully because my defination to disability is not having the ability to 'fill in whatever here' and there are many people who can walk and have no diagnosis that have the inability to do alot of things) does not make us less of a parent, does not mean we are doing a less than what any other parent would do. It does not mean our children go through more crap because of us.
I could go on and on about this but I just wondered if i am over reacting or do I have the right to be offended. I think i am a damn good parent and just cause i can't walk on my two legs don't mean a thing!

Angel

[Dodger67]

I agree. That is totally unacceptable, that mother should definitely take action against that woman. At the very least a formal complaint to the school and escalate from there until a proper apology is forthcoming.

[sean]

if so, this unknown woman needs a lesson or two, I hated being taken out of class for unknown reasons, it just created gossip, it's awfull.
Angel, does sound a bit second hand gossipy. Is it possible that Emily is showing signs of not copeing with her mothers disability amoungst peers (14) something that may appear only at school and the councelor called in to let it be know that someone is there, on the outside. Just a thought

[sean]

oops didn't mean second hand gossipy.....mean't yes probably a bit over reactive, a bit close to home. Hey my bet is your a wonderful mother.

[angel]

I can see your point sean. It does hit close to home for me as we are both mothers with SB and we both have teenaged children. My son doesn't have a problem with my disability, nor did my brother, sister, friends etc.
I know all of my child's friends and he has always been open about it with them. If they have questions he answers them. The reason I know this is when it happens he will tell me what his friends say then tell me what he said and ask if that was the right way to answer it. He does get pissed off when people act a fool tword me but I think most people are protective when it comes to their family.
I guess I just find it insulting that ANYONE would assume that my child has it harder because I can't walk. That is just stupid in my opnion. The only thing that is different is he carries things like groceries or whatever in the house when we go shopping. Concidering that I do pretty much everything else to take care of my family, it seems fair to me.
I admit that i can over react from time to time, and maybe I did but that made my blood boil!

Angel

[Dodger67]

I think that action must be taken to prevent this kind of thing becoming common. If it doesnt get stopped now it may soon become axiomatic that kids with a disabled parent needs "counselling".
I remember the scandals some years ago about the rash of fake child abuse cases that were manufactured by overzealous "counselling".
I believe more than a few psychological problems are actually caused by diagnosis.
If you make a kid think that he should be feeling bad about having a disabled mother, he might just start feeling bad about it.

[angel]

My husband said the same thing. He was so pissed when I told him about it. He wanted to know what state and what school it was so he could call. He said that is something that should be exposed and even mentioned doing it himself. Not exactly his subject matter as he deals mostly with crime and missing persons but the fact he said that is something coming from him.

Angel

[dahliafaolan]

That is just utter bulls***. That's as bad as the counselor at my school that thought I needed group therapy when I was in elementary school to "help me deal with my disability." I didn't need help with it! I dealt with it every day! And I certainly didn't need to talk about my bathroom issues in front of a bunch of strangers. If anything, that gave me issues. I was doing just fine until I had to go into the madhouse they called counseling. I just don't get where all this came from. My mom had a disability too. Hers just wasn't obvious. My mom had three bulging disks in her back and couldn't do everything that the other moms could do, but that was ok with me because I couldn't do everything the other kids could do. So I figured it was just a trade off of life. I really hate counselors like this. There is nothing wrong with being disabled or having someone in your life that is disabled. You just deal with it and go on with your life. Sorry, I'll stop ranting now.

[sean]

Sure the delivery from this unknown woman sounds dreadful, if so.
Devils advocate, if a 14 year old!!!! is having trouble at school! with peers! about a parent with a disability (don't know, first time having to explain in more detail) the reactions the ignorance. You guys seem to come from fairly stable backgrounds, counceling could be considered offensive. What of the person who needs counceling, needs to know it's available. If a teen has a problem with a parent or peer the last people to know about it are parents and peers.

[Gymp]

When I was about 12 or 13 the school system here asked my parents if they could send me out of town for a 3 day assessment on how I could better fit into "their" society.My parents agreed and off I went to some center for the 3 day evaluation.I was so bitter about this that I decided to answer every question they asked me opposite to how I actually felt.They ended up keeping me there for 2 weeks instead of 3 days,they gave up and sent me home.It actually did me more harm than good because after I got out I didn't trust anybody in a position of authority.

Gymp

[sean]

That is shocking, early 70's ? but not surprising. We were freakin lab rats in those days.

[Mustang Sal]

If you make a kid think that he should be feeling bad about having a disabled mother, he might just start feeling bad about it.

You're so right Dodger! Kids are naturally adaptive and won't think of something as a 'problem' until someone tells them that it is. Grrrr busy bodies who think they're being helpful but do more harm than good really get my goat - I would have been mighty offended too Angel (and i'm definitely not easily offended either).

[Mustang Sal]

When I was about 12 or 13 the school system here asked my parents if they could send me out of town for a 3 day assessment on how I could better fit into "their" society.My parents agreed and off I went to some center for the 3 day evaluation.I was so bitter about this that I decided to answer every question they asked me opposite to how I actually felt.They ended up keeping me there for 2 weeks instead of 3 days,they gave up and sent me home.It actually did me more harm than good because after I got out I didn't trust anybody in a position of authority.

Gymp


:arrgh::arrgh::arrgh::arrgh:

I'm angry on your behalf here Gymp - I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. The sad thing is this kind of thing still seems to be happening, as we have seen in Angel's original post. They think they're doing a service to us 'poor invalids', because we're quite clearly incapable of helping ourselves, and feel like terrible outcasts... :mad: attitudes really need to change!!!!

[dahliafaolan]

They still do this kind of crap. I was made to have a psychological evaluation every so many years in order to keep getting certain services and make sure I was "fitting in". So I know I wasn't "fitting in" but that had nothing to do with the fact that I had a disability and everything to do with the fact that I was much more advanced than every other student in the school and didn't care about clothes, boys, malls, what have yous. I just wanted my books and to be left alone.

[petiteblond]

That is so disrespectful of her!

[n3rdchik]

I don't even think this is legal. (is she in the US?). Because you can't pull a kid out without informing the parents first.

And it is just so so so much wrong with this!

That said, we did allow our son to see the social worker at the school when Sagan had his surgery. Not for the disability or anything - more because all the adults were a wreck with worry and I was gone for the week. And he's 9, not 14!

Gymp, I am also outraged on your behalf!

[Emm]

I have to say that I so totally disagree with all the remarks so far!

I may not have had a disabled parent in the sense that is being spoken of here but my mother was an extremely bad depressive when I was young and she would take to her bed for weeks at a time. My father was away most of the time so we (my two sisters and brother) were left to fend for ourselves. I would have given anything for somebody to enquire after my well being and offered any help at all.

Seems these days people can't do anything right no matter how well intentioned they may be.

[Candace8888]

Hi,

I completely understand your outrage. I think it was completely unacceptable.

I do have to tell you though...I think people are just plain nosey and try to overhelp sometimes in EVERY kind of situation, not just with a disabled mom.

I'm a step mom to a teenage girl with Spina Bifida. She has a plethora of emotional and social issues. Her "real" mom has totally checked out and abandoned this girl and I AM THE ONE who goes to all the school functions, IEP's, Psychiatrist visits, counselor visits and now Psychologist visits. My husband HER FATHER goes to about 1/2 of these things. Do you know how many times teachers, parents and professionals have asked her if she needed to talk about her "step mom" and questioned our relationship? People assume that step moms are the wicked stepmom and cause problems for the kids. What's worse is my step daughter tells them we have a great relationship and I'm more of a real mom than her mom is and they still don't accept that answer. People LOOK for problems to talk about in my opinion. Sometimes, it's geniune concern and sometimes not.

My step daughter has a friend who's mother is dealing with cancer right now. I grew up with a terminally ill mother who had cancer and died when I was 18. I was just thinking today about whether I should ask her if she wanted to talk about what's going on. I am geniunely concerned about her, I know what it's like to have your mother dying when you are a teen girl. Now I'm wondering, would that be offensive to her mom?

What do you think?

[sean]

Yes I think there's a good chance of pokeing your nose in where it is not needed.
Do you know your, 'daughters'-'friends'-'mothers'- cancer is terminal?
Worth letting it be known that you have also experienced living with a terminally ill spouse, in casual conversation. Preferably between step daughter and friend.
Help your step daughter to 'be there for her'. And keep an eye out for the support her friend is likely getting, if you see a need, maybe volunteer.
I was going to remind you that it's not about 'you'.................perhaps it is, it must be so difficult, at such an age, to experience (can't imagine), all that, and loss.

You already share a great deal with this girl. I say, share your experience with your daughter, give her the tools to be there. Your already there for her.
It's her experience.


Hi Candace8888, welcome. I'm sean, no kids, no parent figures. I'm just an armchair psych. So please forgive any offence, if any. Just my unqualified opinion.
You sound like a wonderful mom.....do you really have to use the 'step' in mother and daughter....I say ban this word from your vocabulary. Legal schmeagal! are you not mother and daughter, is that likely to change? lol

I am ranting with fatigue, please forgive me goodnightzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

[Bev]

I would be completely offended!! I am writing a book on how to cope with disabilities and part of it is parents coping with their childrens disabilities and coping with children with disabilities while they have disabilities. Whether you have a disability, your child has a disability or you both do, this does not mean that you cant do anything, it simply means, you cant walk. There are some able bodied people I consider disabled, because they cant think for themselves and think they can say whatever they want to disabled people and that it wont hurt us....people need to stop and think before they say something like that. Its not what you CANT do its what you CAN do!!

[mcco5543]

I must say this was very rude, uncalled for and I hope the mom definitely takes action. I do feel that this woman was trying to come from a good place although she missed the mark entirely. My offense comes from not consulting the parent before approaching the child. I would call your friend and get the whole story though.

[Dodger67]

You do of course realise that this incident happened more than three years ago.

[chandrick]

why can't people mind there own fricken business!!!! GRRRRR!!!!!

[mcco5543]

You do of course realise that this incident happened more than three years ago.

For some reason it appeared under "new posts" for me.

[babygirl]

Your right! You should be offended! I have sb too,and i couldn't imagine people thinking i was a bad parent just because i am disabled! But unfortunatly that's how most people are nowadays! :(